Behind the Picture

'What do you look like?'. Even though I knew it was coming, I still stared at the screen thinking of what to say. I didn't wanna tell him what I really looked like but on the other hand I didn't wanna lie. At this point me and him had been talking for months. Months of online flirting and him going on webcam for me. Months of calls I ignored and offers for dinner and dates I had cast aside. I knew he wasn't going to wait much longer, but I just couldn't. 'Are you still there?'. That’s one thing I really liked about him, he was very persistent. He never gave up. I really didn't know what to do so, out of pure panic I chose the easy way out. I snatched at the cord and lied. That seemed to make him happy. He threw compliments at me like jet water out of a hose pipe. Although I knew it wouldn't last, although I knew eventually I would have to tell the truth, in this one moment I felt happier than I had felt for a long time. 'When can we meet up?'. He always asked this question. Always persisted in trying to take me out somewhere for a 'romantic meal' or to 'watch a film', I was beginning to run out of lies. I had used every trick in the book from pretending to forget, to 'family problems'. There were no more lies to tell. I suppose now I look back on this moment I kind of regret it, but at the same time I wouldn't change it. 'At the weekend'. As I typed the words my pulse raced, my heart felt like too much blood was pumping through and it was on the verge of collapse, my hands thrashed the letters from the keyboard onto the screen. There was no going back now, I couldn't let him down again. As I sat there reading his compliments and excessively typing 'thank you', my mind wondered to what his reaction might be when he finally met me. Soon my short burst of joy fluttered away to the realization of what might happen. That’s when I began to panic, began to fill my head with thoughts of what might happen if he met me, thoughts of how he might react. That’s when I came up with the idea to send my sister along instead.

At the time it seemed a perfect plan; she would go instead of me, see what he was like and report back. Like all plans though it had its flaws. That night we spend 2 hours in her room getting her ready. I was trying to make her look as much like what I had described as possible. It wasn't that hard though, she was stunning in her own right. Everyone always said I had the brains in the family and she took the looks. Most people might get offended by that but when you saw her you realized just how true this was. She had everything: a beautiful smile, charming personality, she walked like a goddess and her hair was softer than cotton. When she was ready she turned to look at me and asked 'how do I look?'. She was even more beautiful than ever. I told her she looked good and then began to tell her the little details she needed to portray. She laughed at almost everything I said. Her laughing was only interrupted by little moments when she would shriek 'for real?' or 'oh my god'. She always liked a laugh my sister, usually at my expense. When she left I felt real weird, like I had just made a big mistake but was happy to do so at the same time. I felt really confused. I sat up all night waiting for her to come home. Every hour that past felt like a nail being slowly driven into me. At 1:30am she stumbled through the door. I watched from the top of the stairs as a man(I assumed was him) helped her through the door. They went into the living room together then a few minutes later he reappeared, and left. I wanted to ask her about what had happened so using the stair lift we had installed I hurried downstairs. When I got there she was on the couch, drunk and asleep. Her hair was a mess, she had one leg up on the chair the other caught between the air and the floor as her head lay pressed up against the side of the couch. I decided to leave her.

'I had a really good time last night'. I didn't know what to say. I knew at some point he would mention something they did so I tipped toed around it by uttering sweet nothings back. 'Me too'. Although I was curious about what they did, a part of me didn't want to know. As he continued to press for a reaction I decided to go question my sister. /by this time she had found her way up the stairs and into her room. As I opened the door she sort of glanced at me then looked away, like she did whenever she did back when we was younger when she would take something of mine and wouldn't return it. 'How was last night?'. She didn't look. I could tell she heard me but was thinking of something so I persisted. 'How was last night?. This time she turned to look at me. 'It was good'. Her eyes were regretful and she had an apologetic smile spread across her face. 'Did you do anything nice?'. I knew any answer she gave would only make me feel worse than I already did but I had to ask. 'Not really'. The words shot out of her mouth like she knew how I felt. 'Really?'. I knew she was hiding something but neither of us actually wanted the truth, so why did I keep asking her for it?. Question after question kept spiralling around my head. 'We just went out and had a meal that was it'. I felt a little better hearing that. It felt like a mini weight had been lifted off me. She turned and looked at me, smiled and then turned away again. I quietly left her room and returned to mine.

Weeks past and me and Alex kept talking. He would often say something about the night 'we went out' and I would either just laugh or change the subject. I began to feel left out of a relationship I created myself. I suppose what came next was predictable, after all I felt it coming myself. It started on the week I went to a 'Disabled Awareness group' course. I had spent the whole week there meeting people in the same position as me. When I arrived home I went straight to my computer because I had I missed talking to him. It felt weird missing a person I had never actually met, but I missed him all the same. 'How you feeling?'. He always cared enough to ask, no body else did. Talking to him made me feel comfortable again, it made me feel at home. After spending a week around people 'like me' I felt like an outsider walking through the door. That’s when he said 'Last night was good'. At first I thought he had just sent a message to the wrong person so I asked him 'What?', then he said it again. 'Last night was good'. I don't even know exactly what emotions I felt, I suppose a cross between shocked and angry because I quickly realized what had taken place. I went to my sister’s room as quick as I could, when I opened the door it was like she was expecting me. 'What do you want?'. I watched her sit on her bed, smiling. 'Why did you do it?'. I felt angry but I didn't want to fight her. I wanted her to say something good back, something nice, something that would make me feel better. 'Look, its not like your in any position to do anything with him, are you?'. I was horrified. The words surrounded me and took the turn kicking at me. I felt too shocked to reply. 'And anyways, its me he likes now'. Even though I saw this coming from the moment I asked her to take my place on that date, I still felt like my world had been torn apart. She sat there, staring at me like I was some over reacting little girl. 'How could you?'. She laughed, looked away in a dismissive manner, then turned and looked at me again. 'He kissed me you know'. I didn't even wait to hear what she had to say next, I turned and headed for my room as fast as I could, and when I got in I slammed the door shut. I sat there for hours staring at the computer screen, thinking and thinking. There was nothing I could do. My mind kept telling me to come clean, tell him the truth, my heart kept saying that would mean loosing him. I felt trapped.

'Are you there?'. He kept messaging me. I kept ignoring them. I felt like I was hurting myself, but it seemed the only thing to do. Then came the message that changed everything. 'I'll call you on your phone tonight then, see if you'll talk to me then'. I was stunned. I hadn't given him my phone number. Then it came to me, he was going to call her. I didn't know what to do. I knew I could just take her mobile, she kept that guarded like a soldier, but some how I would have to stop the call, somehow I would have to make sure he didn't speak to her again. Every time I heard her phone ringing I would dash to her room. In my mind a little comic joked 'that’s the fastest this wheelchair has ever moved'. Each time it was one of her friends. Each time I would just hang up without saying anything as she came running upstairs. I would hide in the little closet in her room as she picked up the phone, realizing the was no call she would stare at it confused and walk away. The next time her phone rang she beat me to it. I sat outside her door listening to her giggling and watched her roll all over her bed. I knew it was him. I sat there, angry, confused, watching her laugh and laugh, roll and roll. Then she stuck in the final blade. 'I don't use the computer no more, just call me from now on'. I was so angry I felt like walking in there and...but I couldn't. I slowly wheeled away and went back to my room. Turned off my computer and climbed onto my bed. Soon my eyes closed and I drifted off.

She kept acting like nothing had happened. Smiling, talking to me. Every night she would make up some excuse about having to go and see a friend. I knew who she went to go see. Each night felt worse than the last. Sometimes he would drive her back home and I would watch out of the living room window as he would kiss her good night. Then she would walk in the door smiling, spot me and look as guilty as a thief in a bank vault. I would let her lie and flee. The pattern became more regular than morning baths. One night she invited him in. Thinking no one was in I suppose(even though she knew I had no where to go at night) they both crept in the door. I watched from the landing as she lead him into the living room, then she returned to slowly slide the front door shut. When she turned we made full eye contact. She stood the as we stared at each other for what felt like a lifetime. I could hear every apology that danced its way through her mind. Without saying a word she turned and entered the living room. When I returned to my room, in a deep breath I knew that was the end of our relationship. I knew that was the end of anything that had ever existed between me and her, and me and him as well.

Every morning we would walk past each other, not a word said. Every evening we would sit round the table with our mum, not a word said. The silence grew into a telepathic fight. With looks and sounds our battle raged on for months. Then came the night when she invited Alex round to meet our mum. We all sat down the table, eating. I could feel their legs touching mine as they made their way towards each others. He's eyes were firmly focused on her. Like no one else in the room existed. Mum asked him the general questions; 'Where you from?', 'Hows your family?'. Then she dropped the bomb. 'How did you two meet?'. I stared at her as they fabricated a lie together. He began with 'At a friends party we..', as she jumped in 'had a dance and got talking'. Mum sat there nodding along to their fairy tale. When the meal finished my mum and her went to the kitchen to wash up. Me and Alex sat in the living room. He would look at me then, when he realized I noticed, quickly look away. Looking as uncomfortable as I felt. 'Your sisters a really nice girl'. I tried to smile but I’m sure my anger entrenched itself across my face as he looked puzzled then struggled for a follow up. 'So are you the older one?'. 'Younger actually'. He looked relieved just to get a reply. As we began to talk my anger dissolved. He began talking about the same things that drew us close over the internet. 'He is such a great producer'. 'I particularly loved Ti-', and I rushed in excitedly 'Tanic?'. He paused and looked at me. 'Yeah, that’s a great film'. We stared at each other for a moment. 'How did you know?'. 'Know what?' I said. 'Know that Titanic is my favourite Spielberg film?'. I paused as I rattled my brain for a plausible reason. 'When I heard you say Ti-, I assumed'. He nodded in acceptance but from his eyes I knew he doubted if that was the truth. Then she walked in, her face worried. 'What have you two been talking about?'. She looked at me, slightly cautious. 'You', I said, trying to lure out her inner panics. 'All good I hope'. She tried to sound calm and bright. 'Of course'. Alex stepped in. She sat down as we all looked around. An uncomfortable air drifted across the room. 'Jay told me you like sports'. Alex smiled trying to break the ice. 'Yea, I do'. I knew she was up to something. 'What ones?'. He seemed genuinely interested so she interjected. 'Sports are very manly aren't they'. Me and Alex looked at each other then at her. I could tell she knew she had said the wrong thing so she followed up with something I thought I would never hear said. 'How do you think she ended up like that'. Even though I could see Alex talking and her replying, everything was silent from then on. I watched her smile and nod. My heart beating tremendously fast. My mind started to fill with thoughts of wrapping my hands around her neck and squeezing or pushing her of the stairs, but my thoughts were broken up when mum walked in with the bottle of Scotch and a huge smile across her face. Through the rest of the night I sat in silence as they talked and talked. When Alex finally left, my mum went to her room, to tired to do anything else. After Jade locked the doors, she came and stood in the living room door way. 'Why did you do it?'. I don't know why I asked her, a part of me didn't even care. 'He's mine now, just leave it alone'. She walked up the stairs and I heard her door close. The rest of the night I sat in the dark thinking and thinking. Thinking until I fell asleep.

The 'morning after the night before' was weird. She walked around, all smiles, pretending all was right with the world. When we sat down for breakfast her and mum continued their discussion, totally oblivious to my state. Feeling left out I went to my room and stayed there all day. At night I could hear his car pulling up, her getting out and stumbling through the door. I listened as her heels thumped against the stairs, finally she reached her room, the door squeaked open and then, silence. I turned to lie on my back and stared at the ceiling. All kinds of thoughts went through my head. What to do. I felt so angry and betrayed. That’s when I decided. I knew what I had to do, and I knew it was the only way, and even though it seemed wrong I wanted to do it. I was going to kill her. I climbed back into my chair and, searching my room, I found the sharpest tool I could. A blade I used for a science project. Slowly wheeling myself I reached her room. The door wasn't shut properly so I slowly opened it up and made my way in. She was on the bed, feet spread across, still in the dress she wore out. As I slowly moved towards her images of her betrayal played through my head like a gruesome video brought from a shop. My pulse began to race as a little voice in my head urged me on. I slowly raised the blade then caught a glimpse of her opening her eyes. That moment seemed to last forever as I froze. She jumped up, ran towards the window and screamed 'what are you doing!?'. My murderous rage slowly pitted away till it became nothing more than regret. We stood there staring at each other. I threw the blade to the ground, turned and wheeled myself away back to my room. Next morning nothing was said.

The day after that seemed repetitive. The same things would happen. At night I used to play a little game; how many steps could she make it up before she fell. Her and Alex only grew closer. By now he was round our house every other day, speaking to my mum or waiting for her. By now I was sick of the sight of both of them. One evening they both came home early and mum asked me to come down to join them, they had something to tell us. We all sat in the living room sipping on little glasses of scotch as Alex bubbled with glee and Jade lit up. Mum asked 'What's the news then?'. A part of me didn't want to know, but another part was very curious. 'Me and Alex, well Alex and me, we're-', she smiled, looked at him, 'We're getting married'. Mum face lit up as she leaped with joy. I forced a smile onto my face and faked the joy my body could muster. When mum and Alex retreated to the kitchen she came to me, looked me right in the eye and whispered 'I know what you tried to do, and I know why, but listen its over now. Lets put all this unpleasantness behind us. You my sister and I want you to be there at the wedding'. A little man in my head fell to the floor exasperated with laughter. The cheek of it! I was too shocked to answer straight away. 'What do you think?'. She stood the expecting an answer like she always expected the world to move when she wanted it to. 'Ill think about it, that’s the best I can do'. She walked away. I watched her for a moment then reflected on the idea. The idea of my sister marrying the man I love and the man she stole from me. The idea of her always having the breaks in life and me lumbered with life's bad luck. I looked at the wall, at the picture of me and her when we was little. Me on the floor after tripping over a stone while chasing her, her standing there looking as mum snapped the picture. Behind every picture lies a hidden truth

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It was the day before her wedding and I could tell she was beginning to get nervous. She rushed from this to that, trying to do everything at once. I stayed in my room to avoid the chaos of wedding fever. No one seemed to notice I wasn't there, they simply went about their business. When she left to go have her hair done mum came upstairs, I could hear her footsteps. First she walked by my room, seemed to stop for a moment, and then she continued to hers. I heard her door slam shut. Later in the day Jade came back. I could hear her loud voice downstairs as she argued with someone about everything, then that person left and there was silence. She came up the stairs, opened my door, and sat on the edge of my bed. 'I know you hate me right now'. I looked at her. She had a look of utter guilt planted across her face, her eyes slumped to the ground as she seemed to search for what to say. 'I didn't mean to do this to you'. I turned away from her to dismiss her bogus claims. 'im not going to sit her and ask for you to forgive me, I just want you to know im gonna tell him the truth. Today'. She stood up and walked out. I stared at he wall for a while contemplating what she had just said, contemplating what could happen. I contemplated so much I fell asleep.

I woke up the same night and felt really weird, like everything around me was changing and I needed to change with it but didn't want to. I got up from my bed and went to my desk. I was thinking about writing a something to show how I felt. At the time it felt like having it all in words would help me sort through it. Then I saw a picture that I always kept on the side of my desk-a picture of me and jade. I picked it up and stared at it for a while, then I turned it over. Its funny how you never notice stuff until the oddest time. On the back there was something written, something I hadn't read before. It said 'to a special sister, remember who you are is what's important not what you look like, love, Jade'. I couldn't remember how I got the picture or why that was written on the back. I went into her room to ask her and I found her sitting up on her bed, thinking. We sat together all night talking about the past and what had happened, then she explained to me how she had given me the picture when one of her ex-boyfriends made a remark about me being in a wheelchair and I took it badly. Although I couldn't remember it, I remembered that she broke up with him rather abruptly and we never saw him again. That’s when it began to dawn on me; sometimes something are worth more than petty arguments over boyfriends. I looked at her and hugged her, then told her I would be there all the way on her special day. 'Our special day' she said. We smiled and lied there together, talking until we fell asleep.

That was a few years ago now. Even though it seemed to me like I would always have to live in her shadow, she did everything to bring me into the light. Now I’m married to her husbands brother, we have two kids and I live in a quiet neighbourhood where life seems more wonderful everyday. Sometimes before I sleep I wonder what life would be like if we had let our arguments tear us apart. Now I know that behind every picture is a hidden story.